What If: A Finding Our Way Story
by living-daydreams
Summary: What would the Shepherd family's life be like if little Rinny had never died? Would Addison and Derek be able to hold on to their happy marriage? Would Laurie be able to hold on to her other half? A three-part story spun off of my previously published work, "Finding Our Way."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello lovely readers :) So I've been wanting to write this for quite some time (really, I started drafting this last January), but am just now getting it to where I want it. Basically, I wanted to write a one-shot about what the Shepherd family's life would be like if Addison and Derek's six year old daughter Rinny had never died. However, once I really got started writing I realized that in order to make it really good I needed to split it up, so this story will be in THREE parts. Although I'll admit, a part of me split it into three parts also because I can't seem to let go of my character, Laurie. **

**Because this story is based off of another I've written (an AU of an AU...haha), I highly recommend reading "Finding Our Way" first if you haven't already. However, if you want to read this by itself then by all means go ahead!**

**Thank you so much for stopping by, and for sticking with me through my Fanfiction writing process! Hope you like this story!**

**Oh yes, credit for the character of Michael Montgomery Shepherd goes to LoveandLearn. Always a pleasure to use him :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**What If**

**Lauren's POV**

**September, 2007**

"You realize when you're forty and retired from dancing your feet are going to hate you and you'll barely be able to walk, right?" I say, sitting down and leaning against the mirror, pulling my five year old brother Michael onto my lap.

"You realize when you're forty you will have spent half of your life in school and the rest digging into sick, bloody bodies?" Rinny shoots back at me.

"Eww, blood is yucky!" Michael makes a face and shakes his head.

"Now that's what I'm talking about," Rinny looks at him before returning to her routine.

"So how's the Stanford essay coming?" She asks me, balancing on one foot with her other leg straight in the air, the tip of her toe shoe against the mirror. Having grown up with a sister obsessed with ballet, my little brothers and I are used to having conversations with her in weird positions, or stretching…either way.

"Well I've got a whopping six words written thanks to you and Beethoven over there," I nod towards Hayden who is now attempting to master Beethoven's Fifth on the piano in the next room.

"Oh whatever, at least I don't have to go run around in the dirt to get into college," my ten year old brother shouts over his shoulder. Apparently he heard us. Basically, after we moved into this house six years ago our parents had the entire basement turned into a practice room of sorts – ballet for my sister and then eventually piano and cello for my little brother. He's basically a musical prodigy if I ever did see one.

"You are so not your father's son!" I shout back. Never mind that Hayden's basically a clone of my father.

"Good thing too," Rinny cuts in, in a split on the floor. "Since Hayden and I are the only members of this family with any ounce of artistic talent."

"Speaking of applications," I say to Rin. "How's you-know-what coming?"

My sister shoots me a look.

"Oh relax, I haven't told anyone."

"Told anyone what?" Michael asks.

I look down at him, seriously. "Mikey, your big sister Katherine is going to Clown College."

He giggles. "With a red nose and everything?"

Rinny rolls her eyes. "Don't listen to her, kid. She's just jealous because her singing voice sounds like a drowned rat."

"It's true," Hayden says, turning around on his stool. "With all of my professional experience even I have to say she's un-teachable."

I laugh. "Okay well since this seems to be a game of three-on-one, I'm going back upstairs to finish proving my intellectual worth to Stanford. Rin, I'll be in the bedroom if you wanna talk about…you know…"

"Clown College?" Mikey asks, grinning.

I snort, ruffling my baby brother's auburn hair. "No comment."

* * *

Sitting in my bedroom twenty minutes later, I read the first page of my admissions essay over and over again. According to my guidance counselor, I've already gotten a good enough SAT score, it's just the essays I have to worry about now, and even though there's still two months until the Early Decision deadline, I can't help but feel like I'm way far behind.

Slouching down in my desk chair, I hear the subtle sound of my three siblings down in the basement. As much as I complain about the noise, I actually really love having all of them around; there are so many kids at Rinny's and my school – Harvard-Westlake Academy – who are only children, or have divorced parents, or both, so I know I'm lucky.

Rinny and I were our parents' only children for just over seven years. I remember coming home from our last day of Kindergarten back in New York, only to find out Mommy was going to have another baby. She and Dad had been trying for a third child for so long, and I had really wanted a little brother, so naturally I was the happiest kid in the world when later that summer the ultrasound said it was a boy.

Rin was so skeptical of another baby coming into our lives, like somehow he would ruin our relationship as sisters. I was so excited to have a boy to teach how to play soccer and roll around in the mud with, and I think, to Rinny's six year old brain that meant I wanted to replace her, even though she's always been my other half; my better half.

Ironically, Hayden Christopher Montgomery Shepherd turned out to be more like Rinny than me. A passionate musician, he wants absolutely nothing to do with soccer and spends most of his time downstairs practicing with Rin. I remember just last year when he started struggling with his math class and Mom actually had to ground him from the piano.

Michael was the first Montgomery Shepherd kid not born in New York. In fact, he was the reason Mom and Dad moved us out to LA in the first place. Back in 2001, Dad had been offered Chief of Surgery at the hospital he and Mom were working at, Mt. Sinai. With three kids, he was already unsure if he wanted to take it or not, but then about a month later we found out Mom was pregnant again. So we left New York for a quieter life out in Malibu, and my parents both started working for a practice run by my godparents, Sam and Naomi Bennett, a practice that – thanks to a financial crisis a few years ago – they've since bought out and are now leading themselves.

Five months after we moved, my second baby brother was born and our family was complete. We were all happy together; Mom and Dad had a solid marriage, Rin was still my best friend, I finally had not one but two brothers, and we lived on the beach. I thought our lives would be perfect forever, that none of us would ever grow up and that nothing would ever hurt us.

Now, Rinny and I are almost eighteen and going through the college application process, and over the years I've slowly come to realize that there's no such thing as perfect.

"Hey," Rinny says, entering the room.

"Hey," I greet her. "What'd you do with Mikey?"

"Oh I set him up with _Yellow Submarine_ downstairs; we really did well to get him hooked on The Beatles, he should be good 'til Mom and Dad get home. Did you get the paper done yet?"

"Almost," I reply. "Just have like 300 or so words to go. God, you'd think the fact that we've spent over three quarters of our lives going to school would be enough to get into college, but no…"

"Tell me about it. Sending in audition tapes are the worst. I've never _not_ auditioned for someone in person…I just feel like it's so impersonal."

"Same with Stanford. They want us to apply and _then_ they'll decide if they want to interview us. I don't get it…"

"At least the soccer coach already knows you and can put in a good word with admissions," Rinny says, changing out of her leotard into a tank-top and jeans. I give her a once-over; I'd always been jealous of her muscular build, slightly bigger bra size, and perfectly curled hair. "What are you writing about anyway?"

I swallow. It's not that I don't want my sister to know, it's just that she probably wouldn't like it if she did. "Um…"

"Come on, it's not like it should be a huge secret," she chuckles, snatching the paper out of my hands. Right away I notice her smile falter.

"What did you think I was going to write about, Rin? That was one of the scariest moments of my life," I say quietly. "And now you're secretly applying for the Boston Conservatory when Mom and Dad think you're going to Harvard? How do you think that looks?"

Rinny tosses the paper back at me, her eyes welling up. "So you just thought you could use me as a means to write some deep, insightful essay to get into your precious Stanford, and I'd just be okay with it? Well news flash, dear sister, I'm not."

"It's not like I put your name in here, Rinny!" I counter. "There's no way anyone could know it's you."

"It doesn't matter!" Rinny exclaims. "This was not yours to share!"

"Rin when you…when you passed out and fell off that stage last year I honestly thought you had died. Mom stayed by your side in the hospital for a week she was so scared. Only to find out you hadn't been eating for _months?!_"

"That's a lie," my sister shoots back. "It was my first lead role. I was under a lot of stress about the performance. You try eating with a constant stomachache."

"Oh come on Rin, who do you think you're talking to? I know you better than anyone; that's bullshit and you know it," my voice grows quiet. "I know you purge in the school bathrooms."

"Laurie, we weigh exactly the same. I'm sorry that I don't have a metabolism that allows me to eat whatever I want; unlike you I actually have to work for my body," Rinny pauses, taking a deep breath. "And every teenage girl with a pulse purges at school. I do _not_ have an eating disorder."

"Have you eaten today?" I snap at her.

Rinny doesn't even hesitate before telling me to fuck off.

Suddenly we hear a knock at the door and both jump. Rinny quickly dabs her eyes and I pretend to be going over my essay. "Come in," I say.

"Hey guys," Mom smiles, standing in the doorway with our baby brother on her hip.

"Hi Mom, how was work?" Rinny asks, in a very Montgomery-esque fake-cheeriness.

"It was good – a quiet day – just wanted to let you know we were home. Dad's downstairs making dinner; no guarantees what it is but it smells good, so I'll just leave it at that."

I chuckle. My mother is a terrible cook, to put it lightly, so listening to her trying to decipher some of Dad's concoctions is pretty amusing.

"Mommy said Maya comeded into work today!" My brother says. "I heard you talking to Daddy but you didn't look happy…were you not happy to see Maya, Mommy?"

Mom sighs, and immediately I can tell she isn't being totally honest when she says it was a "quiet" day at work. "Honey, why don't you go get your brother and help Daddy with dinner, okay?" She kisses his cheek.

"Okay!" Mom puts him down and he runs back downstairs.

"What's going on?" I ask.

Mom sits down on my bed, facing my sister and me. "This goes nowhere. I probably shouldn't even be telling you, but we're all family and you'll probably end up hearing about it anyway. Maya came to me today thinking she had gonorrhea."

"What?!" I exclaim. "Are you serious? She's only thirteen!" I know I shouldn't really be talking; unbeknownst to my parents (or to anyone except my sister, who walked in on me once) I lost my virginity three months ago.

"Yes, I'm serious," Mom says.

"Do Sam and Naomi know?" Rinny asks, sitting down next to our mother. Mom takes her hand.

"No, honey, they don't, which is why you need to keep this to yourself. Technically Maya has the right to doctor-patient confidentiality, so I _can't_ tell her parents…"

"But you feel like you should because they're your best friends," I finish.

"Pretty much," Mom says.

"Have you talked to Violet about it?" I ask. Violet is the practice's psychiatrist, and one of my favorite people in the world.

"Not yet, just Cooper and your dad know so far, and now you two."

"Wow…I can't believe little Maya had sex," Rinny muses. "Obviously she doesn't know about all the consequences yet, if she thought she contracted an STD."

Mom sighs. "Luckily she doesn't have it. I told her as much as I could today, about how to be smart and safe, but you know as her doctor I can't just order her to stop…I can only advise her."

"That must be really hard," Rinny says.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," Mom says. "In a little bit of shock I'll admit, but it'll pass. Just do me a favor and stay virgins until you're fifty and I'm dead," she chuckles.

"For sure, Mom," Rinny jokes, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. Ever since we were little, Rinny and Mom have always been really close, kind of like how Dad and I have always been really close. It was only after about a year ago when Rin had her little…episode…that I started overhearing my mother telling my father about how scared she is that she might be losing touch with her daughter.

I go sit on the floor at her feet, resting my chin on her knee. "I love you, Mom," I mutter.

"My girls," she says, wrapping an arm around each of us and kissing Rinny's temple. "I love you too."

I sneak a glance up at my sister; she shoots me a quick glare in return, and I feel a pang in my chest. Maybe she was right – even though her episode was a huge source of stress and fear in my life, just because I keep her name out of it doesn't mean the world needs to know. And as much as we fight, I could tell this time she was really hurt.

Once we've all composed ourselves we head downstairs for dinner.

"Hey Buddy," Dad says, greeting me with a one-armed hug.

"Hi, Daddy," I respond, looking down at what appears to be salmon on the stove. "Smells good."

"I thought I'd go for something a little different tonight," he says.

"Dad's pretending he's a wood-chopping fisherman tonight," Hayden says, taking out a log of wood for the fire pit outside.

I chuckle. "You know we live in LA, right? Not out in the middle of the woods?"

"That doesn't mean I can't live up to my alter ego occasionally," Dad says, placing the cooked fish on a plate. "And just because _someone's_ a picky eater…" he looks out at my brother.

"I heard that!" He huffs.

Rinny takes the silverware and goes out to sit on the back deck, not even bothering to look at me. I know she's still upset, and it's only a matter of time before our parents notice. I don't go near her until everyone else sits down outside, my baby brother settled on Mom's lap.

"So Laurie, how's the admissions essay going?" Dad asks. I just about choke on my salmon.

"Yes Laurie, how _is_ the admissions essay going?" Rinny asks, her voice dripping with sarcasm that only I can hear.

"Um," I start. "Well I got a couple pages written today."

"It's not due 'til November, right?" Mom asks.

"No, no it's not," I say, trying to figure out how to be as apologetic to my sister as possible without actually saying it. "I toyed with some different ideas today of what to write about, and I thought the one I had was pretty good, but I don't know…I still have a while, I think I'll change it up a little bit."

It wasn't until after dinner that Rinny gave me a hug for the first time all day.

* * *

**Addison's POV**

I still remember it like it was yesterday, the day when I watched my daughter collapse, falling off the stage and hitting her head. As a mother of four kids, I've dealt with injuries and hospital visits before. Laurie's broken two bones playing soccer – although I'll admit both times I was secretly just as hysterical as her – and Hayden had his appendix taken out when he was six.

But with Rinny it felt different. It's not as if Laurie or Hayden's traumas were expected, but (as much as I don't like to think about it) kids get hurt playing soccer, and Hayden had been having flu-like symptoms for a few days leading up to the surgery. Rinny's episode was as unexpected as they come.

I knew she had been stressed out leading up to her performance. Like me, my daughter is not a stress eater; she may be an emotional eater, but not a stress eater. I knew her stomach had been bothering her – or so she told me – and that kept her from eating at times. But at the hospital when the doctor told us she collapsed because she hadn't really been eating for months, I – and I think Derek too – got very scared. Did my baby girl develop an eating disorder and I didn't even notice?

So you can imagine when Maya came into my office today and admitted to having sex and thinking she had gonorrhea, meanwhile her parents had no idea, I was hit pretty hard with the reminder that I didn't know what was going on with my own child either.

I've brought this up with Rin a hundred times, always making sure she's feeling okay to the point where sometimes she gets frustrated with me. I may be a doctor, but seeing my kids in the hospital is not something I enjoy very much, and for the entire week Rinny was in there I honestly thought I would lose my mind. It doesn't take a genius to know how common eating disorders are among ballet dancers; I guess I just thought my smart and beautiful girl would always be an exception.

Derek on the other hand, is far less convinced. Rinny doesn't think I know she's applying to college for dance, but I'm her mother, I'm not stupid and it's my job to know these things. But I know Derek definitely has no idea, and I also know he wouldn't be okay with it. Seeing what happened to her a year ago scared him too, and he thinks if she pursues ballet any further she's just going to hurt herself again.

"Anything you wanna share with the class, Addison?" My best friend Naomi asks me, poking her head into my office the morning after my appointment with Maya. I jump, startled out of my daydreaming.

"No, no I'm fine," I smile at my friend.

Naomi raises an eyebrow. "Really? Because you looked about a thousand miles away."

My palms start to sweat, thinking about Maya, but I don't say anything. "I guess there's just…stuff on my mind right now."

"Oh yeah, like what stuff? Come on, spill." Naomi sits down on my office couch, propping her feet up on the table.

I sigh, going to sit next to her. "I was just thinking about Rinny."

"About last year?"

"That, and now she and Laurie are just starting to apply to college and it's stressful…"

"For you or for them?" Naomi chuckles.

"Both," I say. "Never mind that I've always dreaded the day when they move out and go to college…Laurie's a shoo-in for Stanford, I just know it. The soccer coach already loves her and wants to recruit her, she has the SAT scores, now she just has to finish the admissions essay and send it in, and by this time next year she'll be seven hours away from me. And Rin…I'm worried about Rin again."

"Addison no offense but I don't think you've ever really stopped worrying about her over the past year," Naomi says. "Did something else happen?"

"No," I sigh. "But…she's sending out audition videos to for dance programs. She doesn't know that I know, and she's keeping it a secret from Derek and me. I've always known she doesn't want to go to Harvard, which of course is where Derek wants her to go, but I just didn't think she would ever hide this kind of thing from me."

"And you don't think Derek would want her to go to school for dance?"

I snort. "I know he wouldn't, if only for the reason of not wanting to see her get hurt again. I guess I just don't know what to do about this one…if I should confront her about it, or wait for her to come to me."

Naomi opens her mouth to respond when we're met with a knock at the door. It's Violet. The both of us look up in silence.

"Why do you two look like that?" Violet asks.

I snap out of it. "Like what?"

"Like someone just killed your cat," she says.

"Oh, Addie's stressing about Rin again," Naomi says.

"You think she's relapsing?" Violet immediately goes into shrink mode. "You think you ought to bring her in again?"

"First of all, she'd kill you for using the word 'relapse' since she doesn't think she was intentionally starving herself. But no, I don't think so. Just college application stuff…and of course I worry that she's afraid to talk to me about…stuff…"

"The most you can do is just let her know you're there for her, Addison," Violet says. "Don't let her shy away if she seems like she's having a problem, or…if she's relapsing."

* * *

"Derek, you don't think Rinny's relapsing, do you?" I ask my husband later that night, the both of us getting ready for bed.

"What?" He asks, poking his head out of the closet.

"Rinny. Do you think she's…okay?"

"She seems fine to me," Derek says, walking out in pajama pants and a wife beater. "I just looked over her Harvard application today and it was great."

"Really? You haven't noticed anything…off about her lately?"

"What are you trying to say, Addison? Are _you_ worried about her?"

"I'm trying really hard not to be," I say, pulling my hair back into a loose bun. "But I wanna know…what would you think about her going to school for dance, you know instead of Harvard or any of her other back up schools?"

"I would say not a chance in hell," Derek replies, getting into bed.

"Honey…"

"Okay, maybe not that harshly, but that would be the general response."

"But why? I know, I know what happened last year was…awful, and scary…but she's so passionate, and she's really good. Just like how Laurie is with soccer, and she's halfway to reaching her dream already."

"Addie I just can't help but think that if we send her to one of those schools for dance all they're going to do is just push more body image issues on her. I had a patient once, a ballerina, Juilliard alum, said it took her almost five years to overcome the anorexia that place left her with. Rin is so smart, she could do anything, and I just don't want to see her throw that away _and_ get hurt in the process," Derek sighs. "And Addie, I remember as well as anyone that day back in 1996 when they almost got hit by that car walking back from ballet…how we almost could have lost them. It was only lucky someone saw it coming and pulled them back. Thanks to that I…I don't think I'll ever stop worrying about either of them."

I slide into bed next to him, wrapping an arm around his middle. He wraps his arms around me tightly. I pause, remembering the near-accident myself. How I came home to both of my little girls in tears, and Rinny's best friend's mother there with them, telling me about how, if they had crossed the street two seconds earlier they would have been hit by a drunk driver, speeding through a red light. Never mind being worried about Rinny now; I could have lost her forever that day. "Have you ever tried talking to her about it?" I ask quietly.

"I think…I think Rin and I basically talk about everything but school," Derek says.

"You're not pushing Harvard on her too hard, are you?"

"No, I mean I hope not. I try not to bring it up every day."

"Well, maybe try to bring up the whole dance school thing," I say, trying to give myself advice just as much as my husband. "Just hear her out if that's something she really wants to do."

"Since when did you become such an expert on teenage girls?" Derek smirks.

I laugh. "Honey, I used to be one once upon a time."

"Oh yeah, what was that, about fifty years ago now?"

I shove him playfully. "If you're aiming to sleep on the couch tonight buddy keep it up."

Derek wraps his arms around me from behind, kissing my neck. "Mmm you love me too much to send me to the couch," he mutters.

"On your good days, yes," I smile. "And just for the record, I expect _you_ to be the expert once our sons get to be this age." I shudder…my youngest is only five; I don't want to think about him growing out of that "sweet little boy" stage yet.

"Oh good well that gives me another seven years to prepare," Derek mutters into my neck. Turning off the night stand lamp, I relax back into his arms. My daughters would be okay. Maya would be okay. Everything would be okay.

* * *

**Lauren's POV**

I storm into the girls' bathroom at school in a huff one afternoon, desperately trying to hide the tears clouding my vision. It had been almost two months since my ex, Jason, had broken up with me, but still, I don't think seeing him strut down the halls with his newest flavor of the week will ever sting any less. And the way he smirks at me while he does it…well to put it lightly it completely pisses me off.

Jason Weaver and I had been together for almost a year; my parents were never very attached to him, but that never mattered to me because in my mind he was perfect. A tall, muscular soccer player and honor student…he was basically everything I looked for in a guy. Everything I thought I looked for.

My parents don't know a lot of what happened in that relationship; about how Jason took my virginity, how instead of to a soccer tournament like I told my mother I actually spent a weekend with him at his uncle's beach house, and how two months ago he cheated on me and broke my heart.

My best friend Hannah from New York – one of about three people from New York I still really keep in touch with, and another Stanford-soccer-hopeful – has offered to fly out here and beat the crap out of him a dozen times, but I always tell her I'm fine. Looks and all, I am my mother's daughter; I can hold my own when people tear me down.

Standing in front of the mirror, I take deep breaths, my knuckles turning white from my grip on the sink. "Don't let him get to you," I mouth silently to myself, staring into the mirror. "He's not worth it."

Suddenly the once quiet bathroom is filled with the sound of retching. I jump, not thinking anyone else was in here. My mind flashes back to what Rinny said a couple days ago – "every teenage girl with a pulse purges at school." I shudder, hearing vomit hit the toilet bowl and quickly wipe my eyes. I'm just about to turn and leave when the bathroom stall opens; I can't help it, curiosity gets the better of me and I look to see who it is, with every intention of asking if she's okay.

Then I see her, and immediately I know that she is in fact, not okay.

It's Rinny, and I know exactly what she was doing.

* * *

**Reviews would be most welcome. Thanks so much for reading! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello lovely readers :) Sorry for the delay in updates...school has kind of been making me its bitch lately, to be completely honest. But here's part 2 for you. Hope you like! Thanks for reading!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Lauren's POV**

**September, 2007**

Rinny and I lock eyes, but immediately I have to look away. I can't look into those beautiful blue-green eyes – our mother's eyes, eyes I grew up with, laughed with, cried with, cuddled up with during a bad thunderstorm – without thinking about what just happened; about my sister hurting herself.

"Go ahead and say it," Rinny says quietly. Glancing up at her again I notice her eyes have hit the floor too.

"Say what?" I ask hoarsely.

"You know what," Rinny says. "Just get it over with before pass period starts."

Rinny and I both have free fourth periods. Luckily this means the hallways should be pretty much empty right now. I take a deep breath. "Rin, no matter…no matter how much I might want to yell at you right now I'm not going to."

Rinny snorts. "Oh you're not?"

"No, I'm not, because I don't think yelling would do a whole lot of good here," I say.

"So what _are_ you going to do, Laurie?"

Sometimes I wish she wouldn't get so defensive with me, but I think it's mostly because she knows I know her better than anyone else in the world. I consider all the things I could say to my sister right now. I could lecture her, but she probably wouldn't really listen to me then either.

If there's any noise coming from the outside hallway I don't hear it. All that exists around me right now is Rinny, and she could be falling apart again. I walk forward, enveloping her in a tight hug. I can tell she's surprised because it takes her a moment to wrap her arms around me in return.

"I love you more than anything, Rin," I mutter into her shoulder. "I just want you to be okay."

"I'm _okay_ Laurie, really," she says, hugging me.

"I just mean…I don't know what I'd do without you," I tell her. "Or who I'd be…I don't ever wanna lose you, Rin."

I can feel Rinny almost smile against me. "You're not gonna lose me," she says. "I'm not hurting myself. My stomach just felt funny today, that's all."

"I think you should talk to Mom," I say.

Rinny pulls away from the hug. "You're not serious."

"I am serious," she says. "If you're feeling crummy again you need to tell her."

"I don't _need_ to tell her anything, Laurie."

"Rinny come on, if you're not hurting yourself then what's the big deal? It's not like she'd get mad at you for a stomachache." I know it's more than a "stomachache" but I don't tell Rinny that.

"I just don't see the point in making her worry when there's nothing to worry about," my sister shrugs. "If I tell her, she'll just wig out and think I'm not eating again."

I sigh, looking down at the floor.

"What?" Rinny prods.

"I just…really think you should tell Mom."

"I'm not going to tell her!"

"Rinny!" I cut her off. "If…if you don't tell Mom then I will."

Rinny scoffs. "Some sister you are. Where's your loyalty?"

"Oh come on don't be stupid, my loyalty is to your health and I'm sorry if that means tattling on you to the parents."

"You think Dad would ever let me go to college for dance if he knew about today? No, he wouldn't, because he would just jump to conclusions and think I'm intentionally starving myself for a performance. Same with Mom."

"If you're not starving yourself then I don't see what the problem is. Like I said, just make them believe you!"

Rinny's silent for a moment. I think in her heart of hearts she knows I'm right. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, and I believe her when she says she doesn't eat because of nerves, not because she thinks she's fat. I mean, she did used to have a coach who told her to cut back, but she _did_ quit lessons with him the same day he said that.

"Fine, I'll go to the practice after school today and talk to Mom. Would that make you happy?"

"Yeah," I nod. "It would. And I won't say anything to anyone else…not even Dad."

"Okay," Rinny says.

I hold my hand out to her and she takes it. "We still have an hour before our next class…you wanna go for a walk or something?"

Rinny smiles at me. "Sure."

* * *

**Katherine's POV**

All I can hear as I walk through the elevator doors and into my parents' practice is Laurie's voice in my head:

_If you don't tell Mom then I will._

I had tried to play off our little encounter in the bathroom this afternoon as me just not feeling well, but I knew she knew better. I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

It's not that I don't want to eat, and I know I'm not fat; I'm not like those stick-thin girls who look in the mirror and see obesity in the reflection. I've only ever had one dance coach tell me I need to cut back, four years ago, and I never went to another lesson with him again. I just get so stressed preparing for a performance that the thought of food literally makes my stomach churn, and I feel…lighter, the less I eat before I dance. And growing up with my stick-thin, no-boobs, phenomenal athlete of a sister hasn't helped either. I'm tall like her, but I have my mother's hips and the boobs of a Shepherd woman. Not eating gives me control – over my weight, over my body, over how I dance, over everything.

"Hey Rin, long time no see!" the practice's receptionist and occasional midwife Dell, greets me. "How are you?"

"Hey, Dell," I give him my best smile. "I'm doing okay. Is my mom here?"

"Umm," Dell says, checking the computer screen. "She and your dad are both at the hospital for a surgery. You're welcome to wait in her office though."

I nod, suddenly not feeling well at all. I blame it on thinking about my talk with Mom. "Great, thanks Dell."

I rush into Mom's office and tip the blinds up, not wanting anyone to see me. Not even Sam and Naomi, my godparents. As much as I love them, I know they'd either want to talk for forever – make sure I'm "feeling okay" – or they'd notice right away that something else was wrong now. I don't want either of those things to happen.

Immediately I sit down on the sofa Mom has in her office. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she was a therapist too; there's just something about this whole floor that makes Oceanside Wellness seem like a spa instead of a medical practice. I have to admit though, having been a patient here so many times it's kind of a nice feeling, thinking you're walking into a spa instead of an office to get poked and prodded by needles for two hours.

My siblings and I have been seeing Cooper – Dr. Freedman – for routine check-ups pretty much since we moved to LA. Even though I'm a girl, now borderline woman, I still like going to him; he's the funniest doctor I've ever met – aside from my dad – and my little brothers both love him. I don't like hospitals or doctors – that's Laurie's thing – and he makes it seem easier, less traumatic. And Violet…well let's just say I've spent quite a bit of time with her too, especially last year after my…incident, trying to get me to talk about why I wasn't eating, to dig deeper into my "issue of control." She's someone I really didn't want to run into today either; not that I don't like her, but I don't need anyone thinking things are taking a turn for the worse. I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I've been sitting in Mom's office for almost a half hour when I start feeling worse. I try to justify it by telling myself that I _did_ tell Laurie I wasn't feeling well today…but she and I both know it's more than that. I hate eating breakfast, and then I spent my lunch period catching up on homework I didn't get done last night, thanks to rehearsal, and then walking with Laurie.

My palms and feet start to sweat, and I feel really jittery, almost like I've had too much caffeine but not enough to eat. Well, I guess one of those is true. I slip off my sandals, staring down at my feet. My toenails are painted a light pink, and I flash back to when I was five years old and would beg Mom to paint my toes pink. I would want to paint her toenails too, and it wasn't until I got a little older that I realized she probably ruined dozens of pedicures just so her little girl could do her nails. It made me love her even more.

My eyes well up, feeling nostalgic. Not that I don't love my two obnoxious little brothers – surprisingly – more than anything, love hearing Hayden playing piano in the room next door, or seeing Mikey dance around the house in his pajamas when he's supposed to be getting ready for school, but sometimes I miss the days back in New York when it was just my sister and me and our parents. The Four Shepherds. Laurie talked about wanting a brother so much though, almost to the point where looking back I don't know if the Four Shepherds meant as much to her as it did to me, so I knew it would only be a matter of time before the Four Shepherds became five. Then six.

There's no doubt in my mind that my mother loves me, except sometimes it was easier when that love only had to be split into two, instead of four. Especially since Laurie and Dad were – are – so close, it was almost like I had Mom all to myself.

Snapping myself out of it, I stand up from the sofa and begin to pace, my feet sinking into the plush carpet. My head starts to spin a little, and my palms are getting really sweaty. I take deep breaths, trying not to get too worried. When I collapsed on stage a year ago, I felt totally different. Sure I was dizzy, but I also had a killer headache, and my stomach was in knots. I was surprised I could even lace up my shoes – I had been seeing double.

"Relax," I tell myself. "You're just gonna wait in here for Mom, talk to her about what Laurie saw, then tell her, no _promise_ her it's no big deal. I just had some bad cafeteria food that didn't settle or something. I'll even offer to eat dinner with her tonight, so she knows there's nothing wrong. Yeah, that's it."

I run a hand through my hair. It's getting too long. I have my dad's hair, dark and curly. I remember crying to him about it once when I was little, telling him I was scared it would grow so long and so big I wouldn't be able to see, and how a kid made fun of my curls. Of course it was a silly thing to cry about it, but I remember Daddy not saying anything of it, just pulling me into his lap and telling me he knew exactly how I felt, that sometimes kids made fun of him for his hair when he was little too.

"How do you make it stop, Daddy?" I had asked.

"Well, what I did was whenever kids laughed at me because of my hair, I just started laughing along with them. I'd tell them thank you, and smile, and just laugh with them. So long as you know that your hair is beautiful, and unique, nobody can ever make you feel bad about it."

His advice never once failed me.

A few minutes later I think about calling Mom on her cell. I feel really weird. I stop pacing for a moment, but before I can so much as take out my phone my knees buckle. I don't even recall hitting the floor; the only thing I recall is no longer being able to see anything.

* * *

**Addison's POV**

I let out a long yawn, just having finished a six-hour surgery and wanting nothing more than to go home, curl up with my husband and children, and not think about work for a while. Derek's still in surgery – I know from just looking at the board – so I decide to head back to the practice for a little while to catch up on some patient notes before heading out for the evening.

I'll admit, ever since my conversations with Naomi and Violet and then Derek the other day my mind can't stop flashing back to Rinny and her incident on stage. I don't like worrying about her, but I'm her mother, worrying comes with the territory. I just wish it wasn't over something like this.

Rinny's always been such an amazing little person. All my children have.

I remember back when the twins were both six years old, and Derek and I told them we were (finally, after almost two years of trying) going to have another baby. I had been within the first week of my second trimester, so I already had a little belly; Derek and I decided it would be best to wait until I was in the clear and not going to miscarry before telling the girls…just in case.

Naturally, Laurie was so excited and wanted to know if she was finally getting her little brother. Secretly, I knew it was a boy almost right away. This pregnancy felt different, and not just because I was only carrying one this time; I gained weight in completely different places, and was burning as many calories as I was with the twins combined. But I couldn't tell any of this to Laurie, because I didn't exactly have an ultrasound to prove it right away and I didn't want to get her hopes up.

It took Rinny a long time to warm up to the idea of another sibling. While she may have been Derek's mini-me, from the time she was born, little Rin was my shadow. Not only was she afraid that Laurie would love her brother more than her, but she was afraid I would forget about her too.

**Eleven years ago**

I wipe my eyes, one hand on my stomach, heading downstairs while Derek finishes tucking in the girls for the night. It's been a little over a month since we told them about the baby, and it's been, not so coincidentally, a little over a month since my sweet little Rin has let me tuck her in to bed.

I know what's wrong. She's afraid Laurie won't love her or want to play with her anymore once she has her brother, so she's stopped sleeping in Laurie's bed with her. She's afraid I won't have time for her once I have my son, so she's distancing herself from me. And that kills me.

I miss my baby girl. I miss being able to hold her, to feel her little arms around my neck, to give her Eskimo kisses before bed. Now she just turns away when I try to kiss her goodnight, and is extremely reluctant to even cuddle with me. I just wish there was some way I could tell her how much I love her, how much I'll _always_ love her no matter what, and have her understand.

Derek of course knows all about this, as he's heard me crying for several nights now. I've told him everything there is to tell, really; now I just let him hold me at night, tell me everything's going to be okay, and that Rinny will let me back in soon.

I let out a small sob, curling up on the sofa with a medical textbook and waiting for Derek to come back down. Grabbing a tissue, I dab at my eyes some more before starting to read.

"Addie?"

I don't even finish the first chapter before he's back. "Hmm?" I say, without looking up.

"There's someone here who wants to say goodnight to you."

It's Rinny, looking down at the floor and playing with the sleeve of her nightgown. "Hi, sweetheart," I say quietly, not wanting to push her.

"Rin, you remember what we just talked about?" Derek asks her gently. She nods. "Well, Mommy's right here, she's listening."

I feel a lump grow in my throat. I want nothing more than to open my arms for her, but at the same time I want her to be comfortable coming to me on her own. The baby flips over inside me, and I place my hand over his little head.

"I'm sorry, Mommy," Rinny says to the floor. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."

"Rin…" I say her name softly.

"I just got scared that once the baby comes you won't have time for me anymore so I should get used to not getting tucked in," she says, her voice breaking. I can see the crocodile tears already forming in her eyes.

Now I can't help it. I hold my arms out for her. "Come here, sweetheart," I tell her.

Rinny runs into my arms, her head against my chest, and I rock her back and forth as she cries. I shush her softly, resting my chin against her head. Derek comes and sits next to us, pulling us into his arms.

"Rinny, there is nothing in this world that could ever make me love you less, you got that?" I tell her, my lips against her head. "And I'll always be here to tuck you and your sister in."

"R-really?" Rinny chokes, her little hand gripping my shirt.

"Yes really, you silly goose," I smile, kissing the top of her head. "Oh Rin, I missed you so much."

"But I've been right here," she says.

"I know. I mean I've missed hugging you, and tucking you in at night…and tickling you," I smile, tickling her sides. She giggles.

"I…I missed hugging you too, Mommy. I'm gonna hug you every day for the rest of my life from now on." I squeeze her tightly, never wanting to let go.

Rinny moves her hand down to my belly, over her little brother. "What are you gonna call him, Mom?"

"Hmm, I don't know yet," I say. "I like Carson, but your daddy doesn't like that name." I smirk, looking up at Derek.

Rinny scrunches her nose up at me, showing me her face for the first time. I run the back of my hand over her cheek. "I don't like Carson either, Mommy."

"Thank you," Derek says. "See? I'm not the only one." Rinny giggles.

"You'll just have to help me come up with some names then," I smile.

Suddenly, Rinny jumps. "He kicked me!" She squeals.

I laugh, so used to his movements already that I forget not everyone else is too. "Well honey he doesn't have a lot of room to move around in there."

"Did I kick you too?"

"You sure did," I nod. "And your sister."

"I kicked Laurie too?" Rinny asks, curious.

"You two had a lot of wrestling matches I think," I chuckle, running my fingers through her hair.

"Well…" Rinny says. "Laurie moves a lot in her sleep so she probably started it!"

I laugh again, holding her tightly.

"I love you, Mom," Rinny says.

I kiss her again, lingering just a moment. "I love you too, baby girl."

"Will you come tuck me in?"

I look over at Derek and smile. "I would love nothing more."

* * *

Looking back, I got really lucky with all four of my kids. Once Hayden was born Rinny fell in love with him just as much as Laurie did. I've loved getting to watch them all grow up together, with Derek by my side through it all. Marrying him was the best decision I ever made; we've always had each other through all the ups and downs.

I just hope now with Rinny we're not entering back into one of the "down" stages.

As soon as I step out of the car at the practice I notice I got a text from Derek: he's going straight home from the hospital, so could I lock his office for him. I respond with a quick _sure, see you soon_, and head upstairs.

I've always hated being the last person in the office for the day; for one, it gets extremely quiet, like _too_ quiet, and for another, I hate being reminded of how much work I have to do when I'd much rather be home with my family. Luckily tonight I just have to pick up a few files and of course, lock up Derek's office. Glancing out the window near the waiting room, I sigh. It's almost eight and it's getting dark – my youngest would be going to bed soon and the last thing I want is to miss out on tucking him in.

Quickly I walk toward my office, the sound of my heels on the hardwood floor echoing throughout the hallway. Looking up at the office though, I notice something is off. The blinds are tipped up, and I have no recollection of touching them today.

_Maybe Naomi locked up for me_. Or at least that's what I tell myself, but when I pull on the door it's still unlocked. Naturally the room is dark. Shifting my bag on my shoulder, I flip on the light switch.

For a moment I think I'm having an out-of-body experience – it certainly wouldn't be my first. My gaze falls to the floor, and what I see makes me drop my bag entirely. My heart is racing, to the point where I'm surprised it's not echoing throughout the hallway too. Sprawled on the carpet is none other than my little girl, my little Rinny. Unconscious.

"Rin!" I shout, dropping to the floor and placing my palms on her cheeks – they're cold. "Rinny?! Baby, can you hear me?"

The tears sting the backs of my eyes and for a moment my vision blurs. I call out for help, but then I remember there's no one else here, everyone's gone home for the evening. How long as Rinny been here? What is she doing here? Did my daughter come to me for help and I wasn't there?

"Rinny? Come on, honey wake up!" I tap her cheek to get a response…nothing. "Oh…oh god," I choke, reaching up to desk for the phone. I dial 9-1-1 quickly, demanding an ambulance, before returning to my daughter. Gently I turn her on her side, placing her head in my lap and tucking her curly hair behind her ear.

"Oh Rin, what happened?" I whisper over and over. She still has a pulse but it's weak; not a good sign. "Everything's gonna be okay, sweetheart, just hold on, just hold on," I tell her, leaning over her body, pressing soft kisses to her face.

"Just hold on."

* * *

**Lauren's POV**

I'm numb, sitting in the hospital waiting room in the middle of the night again, holding my two younger brothers. As much as she didn't want me to, I knew; I knew as soon as I heard Rinny in the school bathroom this afternoon that she was slipping. I just didn't know she had already fallen so far.

I remember Dad earlier this evening, getting the frantic call from Mom, telling him Rinny had passed out alone in her office. We had all been sitting in the living room, Dad reading to my brothers – the first Harry Potter book, what else? – and I had been finishing up some homework for tomorrow. I had sent Rin to Mom's office after school, telling her if she didn't go to her for help then I would. Or rather I would tell her what I heard today. I guess I just assumed she was still with Mom, and that's why she hadn't come home yet, or answered any of my texts.

I threatened her today. She needed help, and I threatened her, and now she could be…

If I could go the rest of my life without seeing the image in my head of Dad's face after that phone call I would, no questions asked. For only the second time in my life, I had seen the face of my father looking completely and utterly helpless. The only thing he could do was take my siblings and me to the hospital – I had refused to say behind – find Mom, then wait.

"What's going on in there?" Hayden asks quietly, his big blue-green eyes (Mom's) looking up at me.

I sigh, shifting a sleeping Mikey on my lap. "I don't know," I tell him honestly before kissing his head. The last I heard Rin was getting a CT scan to check for head injuries from her fall. I can only assume after that she'll be checked in and given some sort of nutrients.

"Is Rin sick again?" Hayden asks. I feel my chest clench; my baby brothers know more about eating disorders than any little boys should have to.

"I…really hope not," I say.

"I just want Mom and Dad to come out and tell us everything's fine," my brother huffs. He's scared but not wanting to admit it, I can tell.

"I know," I say, wrapping my arm around his shoulders. "Me too."

I must have dozed off because the next thing I remember is waking up to the sound of someone sitting next to me, or rather, two chairs down from me. Both of my brothers are sleeping, I have no idea what time it is or where my parents are, and these chairs are getting increasingly uncomfortable.

"Not the most comfortable place to hang out, is it?" A male voice says, the same male who just sat down next to me.

"Um…no, not really," I mutter. I look over, wanting to put a face to the voice. When I do, I'm actually surprised; the voice is coming from a guy not too much older than me, with the most beautiful hazel eyes and wavy brown hair I think I've ever seen. "Have, have you been here long?" I ask.

"Since this morning," he says. "My nana just had surgery. She was diagnosed with uterine cancer not too long ago, so my family flew out from Chicago to come take care of her. My parents are in her room now, still waiting for her to wake up. I just…I couldn't stay in that room and watch her be in pain, so here I am."

"Oh," I say quietly, not wanting to wake my siblings. "I'm sorry."

"The lady who did the surgery was really nice about it, and she said it went well…I just don't do so well when it's family, you know?"

Oh I know, all too well.

"If you don't mind my asking," I start, even though I probably already know the answer. "Who was her surgeon?"

"Dr. Shepherd, I think her name was," the boy says, and my heart skips. His grandmother was Mom's patient today; I could tell him, but I keep quiet. "Nana lives in New York but everyone was saying she needed the very best for her operation and this Dr. Shepherd in LA was the best."

"Well she…she is the best," I nod, giving him a small smile. I brace myself, waiting for him to ask what I'm doing here, and why I have two sleeping children with me, but to my surprise he doesn't, and I appreciate it. "My parents are both doctors," I say. "But there's just something about sleeping in hospitals that just gives me…"

"The willies?" the boy finishes.

"Yeah," I chuckle. "Pretty much."

"Hey, I hear that," he nods. "I'm actually studying to be a doctor myself, but this just kind of…"

"Sucks." I finish his sentence this time and he chuckles.

"Yeah."

"That's kind of me too," I say. "I mean I want to be a doctor too."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah," I nod, starting to enjoy the small talk; keeps my mind off of Rinny. "None of my siblings do though…this one here," I gesture toward Hayden on my left, "is the best piano player you'd ever meet. Thanks to him our house is rarely quiet."

"Where are you studying?" He asks.

"Oh I'm not in college yet," I look down sheepishly. "I'm a senior in high school, but I just applied at Stanford."

"No kidding," he says, seemingly impressed. "I'm at USC."

"That's where my mom really wants me to go," I chuckle. "That or Pomona. She doesn't really like the idea of me moving seven hours upstate."

"Eh, my parents didn't really like the idea of me leaving Evanston either but what can you do," he shrugs. "If you think it's best for you then you just go for it. Make it happen."

I nod in agreement, thinking of Rinny and her applications to dance programs. "Yeah." I lean down and press a kiss to Michael's forehead.

The both of us pause for a moment, and I take in his hazel eyes some more. I don't even know his name; there's just something about him that makes me feel like I've known him for years. A few seconds later he breaks away from our gaze, clearing his throat. "I uh, think I'm gonna see if either of my parents need coffee yet," he says. "It was nice meeting you…"

"Laurie," I finish. "And these are my brothers, Hayden and Michael."

"Well it was nice meeting all three of you," he nods. "I'm Charlie."

I give him another small smile before he turns to leave. "Okay well…maybe I'll see you around, Charlie."

* * *

**Derek's POV**

I remember it like it was yesterday, the first time I ever held my twin daughters in my arms, told both of them I would never let anything happen to them. Born at 37 weeks, they were both so tiny; the smallest two people I had ever seen, and yet I loved them more than I had ever loved anything before.

Laurie was – and still is – the spitting image of Addison. It was clear from the moment she came out that I would have not one, but two red-headed women in my life. Everything was Addison, except for the eyes. Laurie has my eyes.

Rinny is my mini-me. My mother especially will admit no less. She has everything from the dark Shepherd hair, Shepherd nose, and my smile. Pretty much the only thing she inherited from Addison was her eyes. As difficult as it is for me to admit, given our history, the older my daughter gets, the more she looks like my little sister Amelia.

Sitting in Rinny's hospital room now, holding her hand and not taking my eyes off of her porcelain face, all I see is my little sister. My little sister who's also almost died, who's also been kept in a hospital unconscious. It kills me that I couldn't protect two of the most important girls in my life from getting hurt. Even though I can hardly remember the last time I said it, I love Amelia. I've always loved her, but she is – was – an addict, and she needed help.

I love Rinny, I've always loved her, but she had an eating disorder, and she needed help.

Clearing my throat, I lean forward to kiss Rinny's hand. Luckily she's breathing alright on her own, but she has a feeding tube through her nose. I wish I could just take all the nutrients in my body and give them to her, if only to make her healthy again. If only it could be me in the hospital bed, instead of my little girl.

Suddenly I feel soft hands cover my shoulders, rubbing slowly. It's Addison. Looking up at her, it takes everything I have not to break down; her eyes are red and puffy, and she looks like she's physically in pain.

"Hey," I sigh.

"Hey," she mutters, sitting on the edge of Rinny's bed. I know how guilty she feels – the fact that Rin passed out in her office and no one even knew she was there. No one was there to help her, and who knows how long she'd been unconscious.

"Our daughter came to me, and I wasn't there," Addison had cried hysterically over the phone on her way to the hospital.

"This isn't your fault, Addie," I tell her, looking her in the eye.

"Oh Derek," she says, "I just…I can't believe this happened again. I just want her to get better!" She wipes a tear from her cheek quickly.

"I know, and she will," I say, to convince myself too.

"Dancing is…Derek it's her passion, and she's _so_ good, I just can't believe it's landed us here again."

My chest clenches. I honestly hadn't even thought about that since we got here – my conversation with Addison the other night before bed, Rinny auditioning for dance programs. I try not to let the anger bubble up, but I can't stop it. If Rin were to wake up right at this moment and tell me she still wants to dance, I know without a doubt the first thing I'd say would be "not a chance in hell." Exactly what Addison wouldn't want me to say.

I can't sit back and watch while my daughter continues to get hurt. It's not even the dancing really; I would say the same thing if this were Laurie and soccer. If soccer led Laurie to this point, I would do everything in my power to keep her from playing at Stanford.

"What are you thinking?" Addison asks quietly.

I remember back a couple of hours ago when the doctor came out with Rinny's CT scans – which luckily were clear – also telling us that she would have to stay a few days to get her vitamin levels up, and I swallow.

"Should I go get the kids?" Addison asks, sniffing. "Laurie will want to be with her sister."

I think back to when the twins were babies, and Addison would say all the time how neither girl could be without the other for long periods of time. She was right. Give it about fifteen minutes and the twins would be wailing for each other.

"No," I shake my head. "Not yet." I can't say out loud that I don't want them to see their sister like this, with a tube up her nose. I don't know if I could handle the looks in their eyes. "Let's wait 'til she wakes up."

Addison nods, leaning down to kiss Rinny's forehead. I swear I can hear her whisper "I'm so sorry, sweetheart." Getting up from the bed, she wipes at her eyes some more before telling me she's going to go sit with the kids for a while.

_Good_, I think, _Hayden and Michael will need their mother_.

I take another deep breath, squeezing Rinny's hand, as if I could wake her up by sheer force of will. She doesn't move, the heart monitor just continues to beep away at me. I've never hated the sound so much in my life.

Rinny has an eating disorder, and she needs help.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Reviews would be much appreciated!**


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